i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
