That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
