wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
