Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
