went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
