I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
