The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
