He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
