She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
