someone threw a dead crab at me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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