Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
