Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
