I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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