So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
