My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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