I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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