I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
