I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
