I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
