The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
