sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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