there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
