I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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