One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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