someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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