i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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