I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
as a side note pls kill me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
