I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
