I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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