tell your sister to shave her snatch
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
