that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
