Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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