"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
