he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Never underestimate the power of titties
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
