I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
