Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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