Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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