if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
