I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
