I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
