So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize