you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
