i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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