it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
