i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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