Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life is pants optional.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
