hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
