She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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