She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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