Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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