I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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