I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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