pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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