I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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