Cold hands, warm shart.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
