Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
