My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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