i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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