Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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